*To Him*

If someone asked me who I am right now, I would tell them I don’t know. 

This answer scares even myself, most days. 

I sometimes feel as though I’m on a road that I believe is taking me somewhere brighter, 

but other days I feel stuck in my tracks. 

When people give me advice I shut them out and release the frustration out on 

myself, 

my face, 

my body, 

every atom my being is comprised of. 

When people tell me I hurt them, 

I immediately try to push them away, hating myself for even trying to be a part of their lives. 

I hate the words “hurt” and “pain.” 

I’ve realized through the past year how much I’ve grown through being knocked down by people, but also how I’ve lost sense of myself. 

I no longer remind myself I’m beautiful or capable or loving and nurturing. 

I fear the worst outcome and think good moments are just too “good” to be true. 

I’m only really hurting myself, but no one really saw it. 

No one saw it until I met you. 

You fill every day of my life with love, even when I’m angry, even if you’re not next to me, or even if we haven’t talked all day. 

The thought of you keeps me going, 

making me feel like I can be destructed and still assemble my jagged pieces and thrive, even for some time before I knock myself down again. 

You are the reason. 

I have decided to change my life. 

For the first time in what feels like forever, I am choosing to listen to someone that sees the sunlight in me even when I feel as though there’s an unruly storm. 

You did this. 

Thank you for helping me realize that I am the one causing myself the most pain. I am the one that keeps uttering the words I don’t want to hear. Thank you for helping me see.